


Not Quite Normal

by Anonymous



Category: Disney Duck Universe, DuckTales (Cartoon 2017), The Three Caballeros (1944)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Cloaca, Cloacal Sex, Donald Duck has a penis, Dry Humping, I'm not a goddamn furry, José Carioca has a cloaca, M/M, Multi, Panchito Pistoles has a cloaca, Penetrative Sex, Porn, Smut, Somewhat Scientifically Accurate, This is when they're in college, Three Caballeros, Threesome - M/M/M, or feathery, preening, whatever, why the hell did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:58:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22037245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: After Donald's friends find out something strange about ducks, they want to see for themselves.
Relationships: Donald Duck/Panchito Pistoles, José Carioca/Donald Duck, José Carioca/Donald Duck/Panchito Pistoles, José Carioca/Panchito Pistoles
Comments: 7
Kudos: 148
Collections: Anonymous, Fav Recs





	Not Quite Normal

College is draining.

Donald knew he needed it so he could _ work smarter, not harder_, but everything about college screamed the opposite. Is there a study guide that will help memorize the unit? Yes, but you can only get higher than a C by reading the textbook five times. Do you spend all your time struggling through work for all A’s? That’s nice, but the theatre professor would have _ really _loved it if you had shown up to volunteer for their musical on top of that.

Sitting back, Donald stretched his arms out, dreaming of when he could leave. If there was one thing he didn’t have to worry about, it was the money. As much as Uncle Scrooge loved to complain about money and budgeting, Donald knew the old man was there to catch him. Granted, catching him would involve lots of cursing and angry Scottish, but he liked to think it was out of love. Hopefully.

Distracted by his thoughts, the duck fell with his chair when the door to his room slammed open.

Donald leaped up, ready to yell at the intruder, only to be swept up into the storm that is Panchito.

“Donal’! Where have you been? I thought we were going over our música with José today?” The rooster glances over at the pile of paper Donald had been focused on a minute before. “Oh, amigo, did you forget?”

Oh, that’s right. They _ were _ going to go over a few of their songs today. But then his Government professor mentioned a quiz for Tuesday and Donald was so worried about what would be on it that he just… got wrapped up trying to study.

Donald winced. “Sorry, I got distracted.” He turned to shut his book. Awkwardly picking up his jacket, he turned to Pancho with a smile, “Let’s go.”

Of course Panchito, not one to be deterred by any discomfort, snatched Donald by the hand and sprinted away. “No need to leave Zé waiting longer than necessary!”

When they arrived at the meeting place, a small isolated picnic type area hidden by the computer building, Donald was winded. José waved them over to his table with a lazy look. The duck himself collapsed at the seat, while Panchito was still as energized as ever.

“So, my friend, where were you? Stuck in your books?” Zé spoke with a knowing look.

Donald bashfully lowered his head. “I’ve just been worried about Campbell’s class and-” Twin groans sounded. “I’m serious! If I don’t pass his class I’ll-”

“Be cut off from old Scrooge’s money?” Deadpanned José. Donald shut his bill with a frown.

Panchito carelessly threw an arm around his shoulders. “I understand, amigo, I do! But you, señor,” he pointed a finger at Donald’s chest, “Are going to die from el estrés before even graduating.”

José nodded along to the words. “As they say in Brasil, fique tranquilo. And _ you _ need to relax, Donald.”

“Yeah, maybe.” So he was sort of on edge, sure. There was just so much to do.

“And!” Panchito yelled, almost directly into Donald’s ear. “The best way to relax is la música de los Three Caballeros!”

So then they were off. Scribbling notes, writing lyrics, and humming away at possible tunes. To be honest, not much got accomplished during these sessions, which is why they were constantly meeting up. A lyric would lead to a question would lead to a story would lead to distraction. It was chaotic, but Donald would admit he loves the crazy dynamics of his friends.

“And you, Donal’?”

What? “What?”

Two amused looks were directed towards him.

“Have you been with anyone? Other than that senhora bonita Daisy.” Zé spoke wistfully, leaning forward, head on his hands.

Donald rolled his eyes and shoved the parrot. “No. Daisy and I aren’t even really together anyway.” José raised his eyebrows. “Seriously, we try, but it never turns out well.”

Pancho makes a mock gasping noise, splaying his hand over his heart. “Don’t say that! ¡Tu amor es para siempre!”

Oh, “Telenovelas?”

José nodded, “All night last night.” He reached out to grab Panchito’s shoulder.

The rooster shakes him off and shouts dramatically, “¡No me toques, you bastard!”

The shrug José makes is so practiced and unaffected that Donald huffs out a laugh. Yeah, he loves these guys.

It’s later when they head off to Donald’s dorms, his roommate nowhere to be seen. Donald sort of suspects the guy dropped out a few weeks ago or something, but the only way to find out is email the man himself and he doesn’t care enough to do that.

They all continue talking in his room, band songs long forgotten. Panchito is currently on some tangent about how there aren’t many nearby ranches and how he wishes he could see his horse this Christmas break despite the low chances of being able to visit Mexico.

It’s not long before José starts talking about his life back home. “We played futebol in my neighborhood, too. I, ah, thought about joining the soccer team here, but it’s not the same.” The nostalgic look is replaced with something a bit more sly, “Besides the lady ducks here aren’t all that interested in futebol as much as some _ romantic _ latin music.” He wiggles his tail feathers a bit.

Donald snorts at the cool guy act. “For all your flirting, I haven’t seen many girls around.” Panchito giggles from where he is on the floor at Zé’s put out expression.

“You may not be wrong, Donald, but don’t be surprised when the women flock to my side for my charm and looks.” He smoothed the feathers on his head back, joining in when the other two started laughing.

Donald lays onto his bed smiling at nothing. An odd thought starts niggling around in his mind. Hearing shifting next to him, he glances over at Zé who has spread out next to the duck.

It’s a weird question, but it’s a question Donald never went to the trouble of answering himself. These are his friends anyway, it shouldn’t be a big deal. He stares up at the ceiling as he speaks. “I know it’s different species to species, but like… how do you guys, you know, do it?” He blushes a bit, but the feathers hide the red anyway.

It’s quiet and Donald almost backtracks when José chuckles. “What do you mean, my friend?” It’s goading and he knows they’re just trying to tease him.

He sits up once more, José following. He sighs, exacerbated, “Zé, you know what I’m talking about.”

Panchito catches on quickly, adding onto the parrot’s line, “What _ are _ you talking about, Donal’?”

A second sigh is released, this time accompanied by a hand being dragged down his face. “Just.. Sex. Alright?” Better to end the game now or be extremely frustrated later.

Both of them are grinning like little children and Donald is really starting to regret asking at all.

“Well, amigo, you see, when two birds love each other very much-” Pancho starts.

“Why are you asking, anyway? I mean, you’re a bird too, it’s the same, is it not?” José cuts off. He waves an arm carelessly, showing that he really does think it’s the same.

And it’s not. It’s really not.

Donald stutters. “Well, I mean, no? It’s just, we’re well..” A vague gesture to his whole body is made, like it explains everything. It doesn’t. His friends’ looks emphasize that.

Panchito looks down in thought, his brow furrowed at something. He glances up at Donald and hesitantly starts, “Aren’t ducks raro? Or um…” He pauses then lights up, “Strange! Aren’t patos supposed to be strange with sex compared to other birds? Geese, too, pienso…” José tilts his head at this before looking back at the duck in question.

“É mesmo, Donaldo?”

“Um. Sorta.” They’re still looking at him for more. He squints his eyes, trying to find a non-weird way to talk about his… privates to his closest friends.

José, seeing this, leans away. “Não há problema. If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s fine.”

Panchito is bad at letting topics drop, however. “In our species, we’re like most other birds. We just have cloacal stuff, you know?” He says this with all the casualness of someone who doesn’t seem to care about shame.

Donald can’t help but feel less weird when the most immature of them is acting normal. Emboldened, he speaks up, “I hear about that all the time, but I don’t really understand how it works? How are you supposed to reproduce if it’s just… two holes?” With the grace of a confused ten year old, he makes two fists and hits them side by side.

José grins, “How wouldn’t you? It’s just how it works. You’ve watched stuff, no?”

God, this is mortifying. “I have! But how does… semen.. even get in the other.. Cloaca? I don’t know. I’m just confused.”

“If that’s not how patos do it, then how do they do it?”  
  


He sighed. He didn’t really want to say, but he did start the conversation. “We _ technically _ do have cloacas but we also have… penises.” He dropped his face into his hands.

There’s silence. Donald looks up to see his friends staring at him. Panchito and José’s eyes are wide. It’s, unsurprisingly, Panchito who interrupts the moment. “You have una verga?” He says in wonder.

Donald nods silently, trying to ignore the way his friends are looking at his pantless body.

“Where is it?” The parrot asks. There’s confusion on his face.

“It’s, you know, hidden.”

There’s a long pause.

“I really want to see it.” Panchito says, dead serious.

Zé smacks the rooster. “Pancho!”

“What? You do too!” He says, pointing.

“You are talking about Donald's pau!” He squawked, somewhat flustered.

“Donal’! Please, let me see!” He’s clasping his hands in a mockery of modest begging.

Donald leans back, the situation having become weirder than expected. His friends are playfully joking like normal, but unlike normal, it’s about his dick. 

In the middle of their back and forth, José does stop to say, “Okay, I admit, I can’t really imagine what a bird with a pila would look like.” His face scrunches at the word.

Panchito grabs his shoulders and pulls him closer. “That’s why we must know, my dear amigo.”

Zé shakes his head and looks over at Donald who is now cross legged on the bed. “Donald, my friend, I understand if he is being annoying,” He pointedly ignores Pancho’s ‘Annoying!?’ “We can leave if you want.”

Donald looks away. “It’s fine.” Zé sighs.

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable!” Panchito rushes to say, letting go of José in the process, waving his arms back and forth. “I really am just interested!”

“It’s fine if you want to see, but I can’t just… you know.” Donald pulls his collar in discomfort. _ Why did I just say that? _

José’s eyes lighten with understanding. Apart from the major difference in parts, it was clear that the other functions were similar enough. “You need to be aroused.” Donald began coughing loudly, the situation catching up to him.

Panchito grinned at Donald’s awkwardness.

“Who said I had a problem with that?” It was Donald’s turn to be surprised now, because _ what_.

José’s beak dropped open. “Pancho, what are you…”

“Oh come on.” He said indifferently. “It’s not a big deal. It’ll be fun. If you’re good with it, that is.” He looked at Donald.

Donald had heard about... stuff like this happening between friends, but he never knew any of his would actually suggest something like this. To _ him _ no less. His nerves were off the charts. The tension was thick, at least to him.

“I mean.. I… well. Okay.” He croaked out. Pancho smiled brightly. José’s eyebrows raised high at the both of them. The parrot seemed to be debating what to say before sighing in defeat.

“I guess I might as well stay, my friends.”

And now here they are.

Staring at each other.

Donald scoots more towards the edge of the bed, towards them. “So I’ve never done this kind of stuff before.” He turns to José along with Panchito.

José startles when he realizes the two are looking towards him. “What?”

“Well…” Pancho goes to explain but is cut off by his friend.

“I like women? Yes. I’ve had sex? Yes. But never with two men. As much as it pains me to say it, I am clueless about this.”

“I’ve never had sex.” Panchito shrugs, unaware of the looks he’s getting.

“Then _ why _ would you suggest this?” Donald asks. That means the three of them are practically virgins. Three virgins about to… well… he’s not quite sure where this is going.

“Same reason I gave you, it’ll be fun!” The rooster grins. He suddenly looks hesitantly over Donald. “I think I know why you’re worried now that it’s happening.”

Donald sighs. Uncertainly, he opens his legs, revealing absolutely nothing at the moment. Embarrassment is setting and he’s starting to doubt how much he’ll be able to do this.

Panchito moves forward and sits next to him on the bed. He’s gazing down at where he suspects Donald’s cloaca to be. Glancing up and making eye contact, he asks, “Is it fine if I.. You know?” Donald nods shortly, trying not to think about it.

Pancho moves his hand between Donald’s legs, feeling around until he touches the small closed up hole. He pushes on it, mind not knowing whether to imagine someone else or just his friend. He rubs down on it, trying to imagine it as something more than a hole. Just like José, though, he can’t imagine a bird with a verga.

Speaking of, he looks up at José who has started leaning close to the duck as well. The parrot has an odd look that could be unease or worry or something. Panchito may be a people person, but not when it comes to reading faces, that’s Zé’s job.

Distracted by his thoughts, the rooster startles when Donald lets out a soft sound. He stops his motions and looks at the flushed duck. Donald is holding his beak shut and seems jumpy. That doesn’t seem all too comfortable.

“Donal’, is it okay if you move back un poco?” There’s no response, but he scooches back enough to let Panchito sit in front of him. He ends up leaning over Donald and decides to just guide him all the down on his back anyway.

José shifts towards the two, fairly unsure of himself in this situation. His tail wriggling with anxiety as he’s watching the scene.

Panchito resumes the earlier motions, replicating what’s always felt good for him. Every so often he pauses and pushes against the spot with his hands, ignoring Donald's face for what he was doing.

Before he knows it, Donald can feel his cloaca swelling and opening up more. He so caught up in the moment, he reaches down and pushes Panchito’s hand away. He looks over enough to see what’s happening as he tugs out his soft cock. He pulls on it, feeling it hardening.

It’s when he sees Pancho and Zé watching that he remembers what this was about. 

“Caramba, that’s a dick alright.” Pancho leans down and tentatively touches the feathers surrounding it.

“Nossa.” José reaches out, but resists touching it. This situation was weird, but he couldn’t deny there was something wild about his friend just laying there with a Goddamn pau. “Donald, my friend, can I…”

Donald furiously nods, eyes squeezed shut, not wanting to admit how much he was starting to like this. However, José knew how to read Donald better than most.

Panchito moved to the side as the parrot grasped Donald’s length and made some experimental tugs on it. The entire time his eyes were trained on Donald’s face, seeing the way every touch and feel made him fall apart.

_ This is insane_, Donald thought. They were crazy. He had never even tried anything with Daisy, let alone other guys, yet here he was. He couldn’t even concentrate knowing it was _ José _ touching him and _ Panchito _ watching. He squirmed, trying to ignore the embarrassment of so much attention.

“Might as well enjoy it while it’s happening, Donaldo.” Came the soft words from Zé. The sailor looked up at the man above him and saw the focus he had entirely on him. He couldn’t help his soft groan at the sight.

Donald startles when Panchito puts his hands on him again. “Is a little hot, no?” Pancho questions as he pulls at Donald’s hoodie. He acquiesces and sits up more to remove his shirt. As he’s settling down again, he grips Pancho’s clothing, deciding there’s no more room for shame at this point.

Distracted by removing Panchito’s clothes, he lets out a sudden noise when Zé shifts his hand just right. “Zé, oh shit.” Throwing his head back, the vaquero’s wear just barely off, he tries to keep his hips planted on the bed.

“Está bem? Are you fine?” He’s slowing down and that’s not what Donald wants. Quickly he grasps José’s hand, beckoning it to go faster. Zé lets out a surprised chuckle and grips harder, making rougher motions.

Panchito is not one to be left out, of course, and immediately starts running his hands through Donald’s soft white feathers. He pauses, not paying any mind to Donald’s frustrated whine, then leans forward, gripping the man’s face.

Donald’s eyes widen at the sight of Pancho leaning in, knowing exactly what he’s about to do. Instead of shying away, he jerks him forward, pressing their beaks together. Pancho’s only somewhat caught off guard but recovers smoothly, holding Donald’s face as he pushes forward. This is something Donald is familiar with, he thinks as he makes out with one of his closest friends.

It’s during all this that he feels the heat rising. Not wanting it to end so soon, he pushes off Panchito, sitting up and stopping José. He feels almost dizzy from arousal and being stuck in one position, but shakes it off. “Z- Zé, let me- I need…” Shutting his bill, he elects to slowly maneuver his friend, switching their positions with José now below him. “This is fine, right? I don’t- I’m just-”

José shushes him, “Está bem, amigo.” He doesn’t seem all that confident, but that’s of little surprise. He looks out of place without his self-assured attitude, but the slight shifts of excitement and interest convince Donald to continue.

Donald stretches out a hand, carefully feeling through José’s feathering. _ There it is_, he thinks, slowly moving his fingers over the area, another hand carding through the plumage around it. He kneads Zé’s cloaca, stroking the area as it’s eased into revealing itself. 

José himself groans at the pressure, slightly bucking up into the man above. Unlike Donald earlier, he’s making hazy eye contact, not looking away for a second. Watching intently, he sloppily- a world Donald _ never _ knew he’d use to describe him- unbuttoned his shirt, tossing it off the bed without care. Hands free from the task, he takes a hold of Donald's shoulders, bringing both of them closer together.

Donald’s lost in the moment, focused on everything that is _ José _and the heat surrounding them, that he unsuccessfully stifles a yelp when he feels Panchito’s weight on his back. Pancho embraces him, caressing his whole body. There’s a laugh next to his ear, “What? Forget about me?” The wandering touches from Panchito are so warm. He reclines slightly into Pancho’s form, absentmindedly massaging Zé below him.

Right as Pancho started to make motions almost similar to preening near his neck, José tightens his legs next to Donald’s hips, yanking them flush to his own. Zé presses his beak onto Donald’s, roughly but with enough passion to make up for any knocking beaks. The kisses are demanding and ridiculously fervid. Donald almost can’t keep up with the sensations of Panchito and José and there is just s_o much_.

Inspired by their energy and forwardness, Donald manages to insert a finger into Zé, relishing in how the parrot breaks away with a “Meu Deus” mixed in with a moan. He pushes forward, careful to be gentle. José is having none of that, though, almost jerking himself on Donald. It’s not long before a second finger is added. It’s accepted with little resistance.

Panchito is huffing into Donald, the sweltering hormones riling him up as well. The more Donald leans over José, the more Pancho does over him, remaining completely against the man’s back. He’s grabbing at Donald’s feathers and wagging tail, barely noticing how he’s grinding against Donald’s ass. He gasps into the duck’s feathers at the rush of everything. He desperately wants to mount him, but settles for clutching onto as much as he can of him.

As Donald reaches three fingers, Zé is muttering Portuguese, almost meaningless to the other two. “Donald, por favor, meu Deus, mais! Donald, eu quero mais..” Letting go of the other’s face, he grabs at Donald’s cock, looking straight at his friend with a dark gaze.  
  
_ I can’t believe this_. Zé is staring at him like only he can do this. The attention is so foreign, but God, it’s amazing to see how much he can affect anyone, let alone his friend. He pulls out his fingers and pushes off Zé’s hand, grasping his length, lining it up.

Pressing forward into José is _ amazing_. There are no good words to describe it. He sighs deeply, settling his weight almost completely over the man below, quirking a smile when Pancho follows with almost a whine, driving his body onto Donald’s rear.

After what feels like forever, Donald is fully seated in Zé. Pancho is gasping and grabbing at both of them, trying to find release. Both José and Donald are panting, trying to catch their breath. Donald plants his elbows on either side of Zé and looks down at the man. He’s so flushed and undone. _ How _ did this happen? He had no clue any of this even _ could _ happen. He moves to Zé’s neck, nipping and sucking at the skin.

He pulls back a bit, Zé tensing below him, before unsteadily pushing back. There’s a sharp inhale under him. Donald’s not alarmed at Pancho starting to bite and lick him as well, the pressure on his neck clouding his mind even more. He repeats a few thrusts before starting to gain a rhythm. At this point no one can tell who’s gasping and groaning more, all three friends are hormonal messes.

Donald knows he won’t last long. He doesn’t even know how he lasted _ this _ long. He doesn’t recall when it happened, but Panchito is draped entirely around the two, arms keeping Donald completely trapped against Zé with little room to move away. He murmurs against his feathers, “José, I think I’m gonna…”

“Oh meu Deus, Donald.” There’s a shake of Zé’s hips that makes Donald groan incoherently with a few pounding thrusts in response. “Me come _ agora_.” He softly bites Donald, making sure not to hurt him.

Donald roughly shoved himself deep into Zé, almost bucking off Panchito in the process. There’s a deep groan behind him and Pancho gets off of them, slumping beside the two weakly. “Dios mios, estoy agotado.”

Gripping Zé’s shoulders tightly, Donald rams harshly into him a few more times, shaking the bed frame. Zé loudly moans when Donald releases. They’re both tense for a beat, but then Donald sighs, pulling out slowly. He reaches over to his nightstand, snatching a few tissues out of the drawer. He wipes himself and tosses the tissues in the trash.

He hesitantly looks over at Zé who is still panting heavily, not at all winding down. Crawling forward to him, he looks at the man’s arousal. His mind, less cloudy with sex, stutters at the realization that Zé was still very horny.

José's limbs were so heavy and despite everything, he was so turned on. Moving seemed almost impossible though. Mulling over his thoughts, he almost leaps as he's touched again. Peering over at Panchito who has his edged his way next to him, one arm under his head and the other moving towards José’s groin. With a slight nod, Zé turns to face Pancho as the rooster curls his fingers around his cloaca, expertly putting pressure and kneading the area. Donald slots himself on the other side of José, lazily picking at and sorting the ruffled feathers with his beak. 

José can't help the sharp sounds he makes in reaction to the pleasure he's feeling. He slams his eyes shut, his hips rolling against Panchito's hands. Pancho speeds up, watching his friend's expression with rapt attention. It's not long before Zé reaches his climax. He drops his head on the bed tiredly.

“José, is it okay if I just.. clean all this?” There's a groan. “You'll regret it later.”

“Fine, amigo.” He reluctantly allows Donald to wipe him, as much as he could for someone who was practically unconscious.

He tosses all the trash away and turns to see his friends half asleep on his bed. He can't resist a short laugh at the scene before pushing a murmuring Zé to the side. Donald rips the blanket away, ignoring the way Pancho says his name like a curse. Laying next to Zé, he throws it over all three of them- sure enough Pancho snatches up as much as he can- and burrows under it.

As he's _ this _ close to passing out, Zé tosses an arm over him, pulling him up to his chest. He almost says something, but… “Good night.”

“Buenas noches, mis amigos.”

“Boa noite, Donald, Panchito.”

There’s a unidentifiable warm feeling in his chest as he drifts off.

**Author's Note:**

> So this exists now.
> 
> Translation notes! I don't know anything about Portuguese, let alone Brazilian Portuguese. Tell me if I did anything wrong.  
\- El estrés - The stress  
\- Fique tranquilo - Calm down/Relax/Rest Easy  
\- Senhora bonita - Pretty lady  
\- Tu amor es para siempre - Your love is forever  
\- No me toques - Don't touch me; A popular phrase in telenovelas  
\- Pienso - I think  
\- É mesmo - Really?  
\- Não há problema - It's not a problem  
\- Patos - Ducks  
\- Verga/Pau - Dick/Cock  
\- Pila - Penis  
\- Caramba - Dang/Damn; Just a meaningless exclamation really  
\- Nossa - Woah/wow  
\- Vaquero - Cowboy  
\- Estás bem? - Are you okay?  
\- Meu Deus - My God  
\- Donaldo, por favor, meu Deus, mais! Donaldo, eu quero mais - Donald, please, my God, more! Donald, I want more  
\- Me come agora - Fuck me now  
\- Dios mios, estoy agotado - My God, I am worn out
> 
> Science notes!  
All birds have multi-purpose holes called cloacas. Poop, pee, intercourse, they do it all. For most birds, the males don’t have penises. They produce sperm from their testes inside their cloaca. Instead of penetration, they have ‘cloacal kisses’, which basically means they touch holes. It’s really brief and easy for birds to do. The males basically mount the female then pushes sperm into the female’s cloaca. That’s it. Ducks however…
> 
> Ducks, geese, and a few other types of birds DO have penises. It’s pretty strange actually. Technically ducks have corkscrew penises, but there’s no way I was gonna write that.
> 
> And now you know. With all this ‘scientifically accurate’ android, werewolf, alien sex being written, I thought it’d be funny to have a go at it myself.
> 
> Sleep well


End file.
